If You Could Only See

Single parenting does not just happen over night, in most cases.  The majority of single parents, statistically, did not start off alone. That being said, there are obvious roadblocks in communication and most of the time it is difficult to get along with the other parent.  When this situation occurs, it is extremely important to hide the arguing and fighting from your children.  You have to be conscious of every word said, every action executed, and any attitude you may have about your ex because children see a lot more than you think.

If the relationship between you and the other parent is so toxic that you cannot communicate effectively without some sort of aggression, your best bet is to find a mediator.  This can be an unbiased family member, or even a legal consultant.  In all reality, there are ways you can make any sort of communication with the other parent obsolete, but that is definitely not recommended whatsoever.  The very best outcome is to find ways to communicate effectively for the sake of your child. I know personally that separation and custodial situations usually do not resolve themselves on their own.

The negative effect that custody battles and fighting between parents have on the children involved are substantial.  In all honesty, I still have trust issues and communication road blocks that I picked up on at a very early age with the help of my parents.  Fighting and arguing deeply effects children, even if you think they are asleep, chances are they are hearing every bitter comment, every curse word, and every exclamation of hatred that you express to your ex-partner.  If you absolutely cannot avoid an argument, walk outside, away from windows so that the children will not hear you, and let it out, but only if you are more than certain they cannot hear you, or see you.  No one wishes for their child to suffer deep rooted psychological trauma, so please avoid it at all costs. Even the littlest comments count.

On a side note, parental separation is difficult for all parties involved, but that does not mean stay in an unhealthy relationship to avoid this conflict.  My own personal motto is “An absent father is better than a bad father”.  I did not have the best of luck with men, and my children are much better off with out them.  My oldest two children have a father that is a registered sexual predator and white supremacist. Enough said. There is absolutely nothing about either of those things I want my children to pick up on.  My youngest son’s father likes to come in and out of his life, and I am a firm advocate for stability so that situation is very unnerving.  His father and I cannot get along for anything at all. I try and he bucks every time. We have gone to court over custody, had an order of protection attempted, and many verbal battles until we came to one single agreement.  We communicate (in a way) through his mother.  She is a very kind woman and has no bias either way.  Our son goes to her house on the weekends the court allowed him visitation, and whenever he feels compelled, he visits him there.  Honestly, I do not even have his phone number. This is the best way for us because we grew into such a lethal combination that nothing could salvage the friendship we once had.  

The main focus of your life is your children, and if you don’t have children you may one day and it’s very possible to run into an issue such as this. I pray that no one else has to deal with the very literal hell of a separation and custody battle, but that is obviously not the way the world works unfortunately.

And be a simple kind of man
And be something you'll love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can?
If you can  

-          Simple Man, Shinedown

Nothing Else Matters

Little footsteps coming down the hall, giggling and shrieks of joy fill your ears.  It’s playtime.  The kids are running around the whole house playing tag, their cheeks are turning red from excitement, and peace invades your heart as you watch your babies enjoy themselves.  Once in a while they will come up to you and give you a kiss and then run back and play. These moments are the best memories I have of my little ones.

Having to grow up fast, I cut my childhood short, and that is one of the most important issues that I believe strongly a child should never have to endure.  One of many goals of parenting I have set for myself includes encouraging my children to play and stay young and innocent as long as possible.  

The best way I achieve this goal is to keep my personal struggles and stress away from them.  I may be having a terrible day, but I will not let the children see the tears come out of my eyes or my hands shaking in anger.  Whenever I feel this way, I take a breath, and then speak or act. This is a very important exercise that every parent should do.  Children are children, and then do not need to be exposed to adult worries and problems because when they are exposed, they will feel guilt and worry over issues that they cannot control.

Keeping my children involved in activities they are passionate about is another way I enhance their childhood.  For an example, my oldest son loves the outdoors and he just started boy scouts this week.  Sure, when I was pregnant with him, I dreamed of being a soccer mom or football mom, and when his personality started showing more and more over the years, I realized that he is not a sporty boy.  I encouraged him to try soccer and football, and neither of which he felt completely comfortable in.  So ultimately, boy scouts is just a natural fit for him, and I had to accept that.  In no way what so ever should you try to change your child to fit the idea you have for him/her.  “Show” mothers and fathers get my blood boiling when I witness them grilling their children for not meeting their selfish expectations.  Every time I witness that kind of display, I just want to put my hands on the shoulders of that child, tell them to relax and that they did well, and tell the parent to back off, it’s just a game!  There is absolutely no reason a child should feel pressured to do anything!

Above playtime and after-school activities, the very best thing you can do for your child, above all others, is to shower them in affection.  Whenever they put time and effort into something, always give them a hug or a high-five and tell them how awesome they are, whether they are succeeded or not.  This will teach them to do their best, whatever their best may be.  On the other hand, I’m not saying praise them for every time they put a toy back in the toy box when there are eight years old, because by then it should be routine, but for every new thing they experience and every challenge they overcome.

When you are a parent, your children look to you as their life support whether that’s emotion or physical.  They look to you for every issue they have from basic needs to emotional support.  You are their counselor, their coach, their teacher, their dietician, their maid and much more.  As a parent, you shape and define their whole lives and the kind of person those children will become.  Be careful and think about every word you say, every action you execute, and every element you expose them to, and remember to let them be children and relax!

“ With great power comes great responsibility” – Uncle Ben (Spiderman)

Rolling in the Deep

Dishes are piling up, bills are past due, the kids won’t quit fighting, and you have a killer headache from the long day at work. You just can’t seem to get a firm grip on the challenges presented to you.  Anxiety starts creeping its sickening, stomach turning poison into every last nerve you have left.  It seems as though the harder you try to grasp control of your life, something else jumps right in the way of it.

Life is not always fair. This is something just about everyone, of every age, can agree with.  Not only being responsible for yourself, but for your children as well amplifies this feeling considerably.  What single parent has time or energy left after days such as these to focus on their own needs? On the rare occasion that you can find five minutes alone to just calm down, your mind still comes up with ten thousand other things you could have been doing for those five minutes you so selfishly wasted.  This is a major mistake most parents make; not taking enough time to themselves!

Under no circumstances should any parent, or anyone at all for that matter, feel guilty for taking “me-time”.  As long as the short term responsibilities are taken care of, by all means sit down, swallow an aspirin and relax.  Those dishes can wait another ten minutes for you to find your sanity, I promise you that.  

It’s safe to say that most families have somewhat of a schedule (which is HIGHLY recommended), it may not be set in stone, but at least an outline of one.  Think about a time of day that nothing is going on and pencil in quality time with yourself.  Spend the time doing something you enjoy whether it’s watching an episode of True Blood on HBO or reading a few chapters out of the new book you bought last week.  Sketch an idea for your next painting, or maybe even listen to some soothing music.  No matter the activity, as long as it is relaxing for you, it works.

To make this work, timing is the key.  I find that either during naptime or right after bedtime is perfect for me.  The best way succeed is making sure that everything is done before your “me-time”, that way when your designated time slot approaches, you won’t have to feel guilty for relaxing. 

Without quiet time, you will become a ticking time bomb of stress just waiting to combust, and that is not healthy for anyone.  As the old saying goes, “If mamma isn’t happy, no one’s happy”.  The rules still apply.

Waking up too early

Maybe we can sleep in

 I’ll make you banana pancakes

 Pretend like it’s the weekend now

  - Banana Pancakes, Jack Johnson

Sweet Sacrifice

                Being a parent has its ups and downs no matter the background, although being a single parent in the world we live in today, would make any person cringe.   With the economy in the state it is in on top of all of the new worries parents have today with bullying, sexual predators, drug availability, and elevated immoral expectations among peers, it’s no wonder parenting is such a scary topic. 

                I am a very young mother that has definitely had to fight to earn respect and independence.  My three beautiful children have been quite the blessings in my life.  Without them, who knows what kind of life I would have.  I have always been rebellious, headstrong, and defiant.  Tell me to run, I will walk.  Tell me stand, I will sit.  My children have shown me patience, consistency, and an unmatched sense of unconditional love.

                Having the role of mother and father demanded of me takes a toll after a while.  My oldest two children have the same father, although he is not a part of their lives whatsoever, and my youngest son’s father comes and goes when he chooses.  Playing “good cop, bad cop” is only entertaining in movies, trust me.  Not only is it challenging for structure, its challenging with finances as well.  Having to work on top of all of this is more than difficult.  It is a catch 22, the more time you spend working makes you feel guilty and miss the little boogers, but also if you can’t pay the bills, you feel like a failure. 

Going to college, for me, seemed like a no brainer.  I hate the fact that I have to work my behind off to please cranky customers all day, only to pick up a two dollar tip when they leave.  It just flat out isn’t worth the money, but it’s a means to an end.  Waitressing will keep money in my pocket, the electricity on, and gas in my car to drive to class.  And each day I am closer and closer to becoming an RN and taking care of people the way I am so passionate about, the way my children taught me to.

No matter the struggle, no matter the stress, being a mother is all I know, and it is what I am good at.  If I could turn back time, I might change a few decisions I made in my past, but one thing is for sure, I wouldn't change having my children.  Those three crazy babies are my life, my sun, my air, and my fuel to succeed and set the best example I can.

 I won't justify
             The way I live my life
             'Cause I'm the one livin' it
             Feelin' it, tastin' it
             And you're just wasting your time

                       -Riptide, Sick Puppies